When the mp3 'revolution' rolled around, I remember how many people talked about how music was never going to be the same. Well, they got their wish. It's harder than ever for a band to get their name out there, because, after all, there are probably 1,000,000 facsimiles of their sound chilling out on mp3.com and other sites of this kind. So what's going to make your band stand out? Either you can have a scary looking lesbian who breathes fire (hello, Nashville Pussy), or you can perform live a whole lot. Of course, the odds are that you're going to have to do a few shows and build a reputation first before you can start headlining. So, almost all bands must begin in the unenviable position of opener. Essentially, an opening band has to go out in front of a group of people who the majority of isn't there to see them. The odds are they are playing for a group of drunk people who paid too much for a ticket and a t-shirt and are like, ready to see the band they came for dude. The reason I am noting this is because I am sympathetic to this situation; it's not easy to win over a crowd who starts out in opposition to you. It's even harder to win them over if you suck, which you probably do. Here are some of the worst live acts I've ever seen, in no particular order.

These gentlemen would like to see the band they paid for, sir. They would also like it if your girlfriend lightened up and took off her shirt already.

Regurgitator:
Coincidentally, this was the first concert that I went to that wasn't classical music or a state fair...and these guys decided to get the party started right. I could best describe them as 'Australian Frat Rock' but 'shit' is easier to say. They stood still and played very abrasive heavy metal, and didn't really seem to notice the dead silence in the crowd. Lyrically, they were truly groundbreaking. I mean, really, when a number is prefaced by (in a thick Aussie accent) "Well, here's another song about me cock", you know that barriers are just being fucking broke down, man. Dude. But wait, there's more: they rapped, badly. And they used a wa-wa pedal. Alot.

Dillinger Escape Plan:
Where did the idea that singing like Cookie Monster is super cool come from? Maybe one day some hard as nails metal guy got a bad cold and wanted to go on anyway; despite the fact that he had a whole lot of phelgmn in his throat. So he goes to his concert and does his set. He's about to apologize for how ridiculous his voice sounds, but then some tool is like "OH MY GOD HE'S CHANGING THE WAY WE THINK ABOUT HEAVY METAL VOCALS!" So then, suddenly, it just becomes cool and goes on forever. It's like that Heineken commercial where the guy scratches a record for the first time because of a beer. They should make a commercial like that for heavy metal, only have it be sponsored by Dannon Yogurt or something. Anyway, these guys were the victim of the most severe crowd backlash I've ever seen. Boredom evolved into "Please leave", which begat "Break up already!", which led to "Fuck you!" They got three songs out and then hit the road like they were double parked.

Why would people come to a concert just to boo? Oh wait, never mind.

Knife in the Water:
When an awful band comes to your town, you at least have the small comfort that they don't live in your town, so the odds that you'll see them again are slim that they'll be torturing you in the near future. Knife in the Water lives here and has been at many shows that I have attended, blessing me with their bland garbage three times now. Neato and I saw them last night and we took great pleasure in how the bassist seemed to be really in a groove while he played the same three notes really slowly. If you wanted to find us in the audience, just listen for the guy yelling "IS THAT YOU, BOOTSY?" This heckling was brought to you by a lack of athletic ability in grade school, and Nerga Modela. The vocals are also really awful, but most of the suck was being hogged by the steel guitarist. Usually he would just throw in the standard sliding notes, but every once in a while he was saddled with he responsibility of the solo. There was probably a time where he actually tried to play something cool, but at this point he seems to have devolved into not really giving a shit. "Well, okay," he probably says to himself. "We've already established I can't play guitar, but you motherfuckers don't learn. I've got some shit for you now!" And then he takes a dump on the audience, and everyone dies. The end.

Huffamoose:
I am somewhat embarassed that I've seen this band. Remember them, they had that song "Wait", featuring the awesome lyrics "Wait baby wait." Those lyrics were good, but I think the best ones I've ever heard are "Ooooh....yeahhhhhhh...OUCH!" Great, eh? Anyway, if you listen to "Wait", it's all about sex, silliness about "reaching in pockets" and such. Why am I telling you this? I don't know. These guys were kind of chubby and looked really bored. The guitarist stopped and restarted songs like five times, and didn't even really apologize. He just said "Oh well," and gave it another go. Well four more college tries. I know I should be able to give you thirty more reasons why they sucked, but I'm just kind of depressed to think that it never occured me to leave.

I know this has nothing to do with this article really, but I'm stuck on Hall and Oates. She's a maneater, dude.

Bad Wizard:
The 70's are back, more so every year. Disco seems to get recusitated annually. But, in addition, stoner rock has gotten dug up. These guys seemed to work very hard at taking the awful to a new level. For example, if you want to write a song called "Natural High", then you've got lyrics right there dude. Just say "natural high" thirty times and steal some Black Sabbath riffs. But you can make up for that with the stage show, right? Sure, go for it. Your singer should just grope himself through your entire set, that'll win over a crowd. Maybe play with his fly a little, pull down his jeans and show some pubes. Okay, I just made myself puke. But your mojo would not be complete if you don't act completely depressed while you sing songs about getting tail and riding around in your big ugly car. What a bunch of weirdos.

Anyhoo, live music has its pitfalls, but hopefully you can get a good story out of it. E-mail me if you have one you'd like to tell.