Notorious and I were talking online about my Bush daughter obsession and an idea came up. I'll do us all a favor by revealing the curtain a little bit about standup. I didn't want to; most of us are under the impression that show business is a glamorous and creative vocation. It's not.

Let's pretend that you know a pretty funny guy named Mark. Maybe he took acting classes, maybe he has a better memory or maybe he's just insecure and wants people to like him. In some extreme cases his parents neglect him during childhood and he soon becomes in desperate need of attention. Whatever his personal past, he has the ability to make people laugh more than you do. He wants to be a standup. Anybody who wants to be a standup just has to get onstage and perform. There is no special pin to put on your chest. From Carlin to Hack #2008, all they did was get onstage and call themselves comics.

Hello. I'm violently unfunny. Be sure to catch my multi-million dollar ad campaign!

Anyway Mark goes to the club with his new material and does mediocre. The name of the club is "Daffy's" or some other pathetic attempt at humor.. There's ten people in the crowd and seven of them are comics. Whether he does fantastic or bombs doesn't matter so much as he keeps coming back. Maybe he gets disgusted and quits.

Right away Mark starts to notice things. Some comedians aren't really liked by the crowd because they say the same things over and over again. And some comedians don't even have jokes. Mark figures that if he wants the audience to like him then he should come up with new jokes every week. Oh by the way, he not only made a new friend (#1) but heard a story about a "famous person".

After a single week Mark is hanging out near Daffy's more often with his new friend (#1) and meets another comic (#2). They bullshit about the seven people in the crowd and Mark learns about a new gig at a dive bar. People will be playing pool and not listening, but fine whatever, it's a new crowd and opportunity right? He even gets fifty cents to play Tekken from the owner and meets friends (#3 through #7). Maybe he gets disgusted and quits though.

Mark still heads back to Daffy's for the open mic but learns that certain comics are getting onstage more than him. He feels disappointed, but hey, some of the guys are way funnier then he is at this point. He also notices that the owner of Daffy's is always getting his salad tossed by the majority of comedians. When he hears a comic complimenting the owner on the title "Daffy's" Mark grimaces and shakes his head. He later performs at another bar and doesn't get fifty cents to play Tekken anymore. And Friend #1 continues to do terrible onstage.

One night Mark is nursing a drink in the back of the club and unexpectedly witnesses a collossal comedic force chew up an audience and spit it out. Even people walking by outside decide to pay the cover and find out what the hell everyone is laughing at. It's "Kyle" from New York. He did the Tonight Show twice and won't be back to Daffy's for a long time. After Kyle performs a "famous person" takes the stage. Nobody really laughs though; that comedian sucks.

Mark talks with Friend #1 on the sidewalk in front of Daffy's but finds himself zoning out of the conversation. He wants to perform like Kyle instead of talking about toothpaste. Or maybe he quits.

After about two months Mark has made more friends and performed more bits. Like the Tekken bar. And a weekly college open mic. And a restaurant while people eat Mexican food. Friend #23 says that stage time is the only way you improve and Mark believes him. But then there's that guy who's been performing for twelve years and wears a blue cape. Ummm. At least Mark is performing more at Daffy's though. Friend #1 just quit.

Hi, I'm hysterically funny. My show just got cancelled. Can I have some change for the bus?

The truth is that it's hard to talk about the "industry" because it doesn't work like any other respectable job. No one is "fired", they just don't work again. No one is "hired", because most of the time people don't get paid. And if they do get any money it's because four or five comics swindled an investor into producing a show for an unreasonably huge amount of money. Everybody that's any good would be kind and supportive to the worst comics because they know that this business is very unpredictable. EXTREMELY UNPREDICTABLE. The people who do terrible sometimes end up with the best jobs. Some of the brightest comics step on so many toes they never know what shows are going on. The only way you can know for sure that you're doing well is for you to get the audience laughing each and every night. Being consistently funny is what advances a comic, but being consistently funny is the hardest part of comedy.

When someone destroys every night then they're ready to advance to another medium: TV LAND. And that, my fucking peeps, is a whole new world that I have not yet seen.

Here's a primer with some words to know:

HACK: Someone who steals jokes or consistently talks about things you've heard about fifty times. Ex. "He's a fucking hack."

DOUBLE DIPPING: Someone will put on a show and pay the comics less than they deserve and pocket himself more. For example, Mark performs for an elementary school for 80 bucks with three other comics. The comics are paid about 350 in total but don't know that the show cost 1,000 dollars to the school.

HEAT: The new way of saying industry "Buzz" Ex. "Mark's getting heat from MSNBC."

OPM: Other People's Money

Perfect Standup: A moment where a comedian not only kills the room, but makes it impossible for the next comic to do even relatively well. We're talking about making a decent comic look like a deer in headlights. This happens maybe three or four times a week.

In conclusion, life as a comedian sucks. But if you go to see stand-up, you're helping him out whether you cheer or boo. There's no guarantee that you'll get better but the only way to do so is to perform.