I hate reality TV. I hate how they have the same ten personalities that they use on every show. I hate how everyone is either monumentally stupid or star struck into being so. I hate how it motivates already crappy networks to fill their schedules with dirt-cheap programming. I hate how writing already stinks on TV, and reality TV only makes it stink more. I hate Survivor. I hate the Real World. I hate Road Rules. I hate the Amazing Race. I hate Big Brother. I hate Joe Millionaire. I hate Temptation Island. I hate Fraternity and Sorority Life. I hate Fear Factor. I hate American Idol.

But I love Cheaters.

Reality TV as a genre thrives off of the fact that year after year, our society is slowly collapsing. I'm not going to be so arrogant as to claim I know why this is happening, but I know it is. Reality shows find the lowest common denominator, put them into a situation where they're sure to show off how dumb they are, and start pushing their buttons. They tend to purposely get the same basic personalities to participate, so the conflicts are easy to predict. I'm the blonde manipulative bitch fighting with the dark haired manipulative bitch. Change the channel and see the same thing, except this time it's on a cruise ship or something. People eat it up, and network execs take all the money they saved on scripts and actors and take baths in it. Ok, I hate the genre; why am I writing about it? Cheaters is the exception to this rule.

That's not to say it's an exception to all the sleaziness and garbage that's in normal reality shows. In fact, I may have such an appreciation for it because it thrives on it. Does anyone remember hearing about how a couple years ago two contestants were thrown off of Temptation Island because they had a kid? When the producer announced this on the show he had a solemn tone that was made completely ridiculous by the circumstances. Let's see, you're on a show where you try to get people to cheat on each other and you?re claiming moral obligation? You'll see no such pontificating on Cheaters. This show finds some of the scummiest and most pathetic people in the world and makes their lives even more fucked up in 30 minute segments.

Thank you for your applause, viewing audience. Spay and neuter your pets, and allow me to press my leathery flesh against your daughters.

Cheaters is hosted by Tommy Grand (real name Thomas Habib), a pillar of sleaze so powerful that it defies description. I truly believe that I could base an article on how insanely greasy and dirty this guy is and not be short for material. I'm not talking sleazy host as in Bob Barker, the man with the reptilian grin and the skin made into orange leather by years of tanning booths. Tommy is the sleazy host who earnestly asks a trucker how he feels when he finds out his girlfriend is a hooker. Tommy is the sleazy host who equips his cameramen with guns "just in case". Amazing range for a man who cut his teeth as Circus Thug #3 in "Goldy 2: The Saga of the Golden Bear". But once you've seen the show, you'll truly understand why he completely fits the bill. And why it is that much more tragic that he chose to leave the show to the less qualified hands of Joey Greco.

The concept is simple. Think your significant other is being unfaithful? Call Cheaters, and they'll put their private detectives on the case. I can say without a shred of sarcasm that these guys are incredible. Buy the DVD and you can see hours of compromising footage. But once evidence of infidelity has been acquired, the real meat of the show begins: the confrontation. The crew waits until the target has moved into a public place with their fellow philanderer, and surrounds them with a platoon of cameras and their significant other. The fact that you'd been caught cheating would be bad enough, but the fact that you're on tape and being asked to explain yourself by Tommy Grand or Joey Greco pushes them over the edge consistently. Screaming, threatened and actual violence, crying, car theft, bald faced lies, and poodle haircuts all await you within these epic battles.

How do you get a job when your resume has "Circus Thug #3" and "videotaped ugly naked people"?

I can never really do these justice, but I might as well try to tell you exactly why it is so worth your time. What about the one where the professional gambler is caught with his stripper lover "Raven Heat"? It turns out that "Raven" wasn't aware that he was married, so she apologizes to his wife and then steals the gambler's car. Probably most incredibly, despite the mountain of evidence against him, he still maintains his innocence with a completely straight face. But then there's Lon, singer for a Dallas hair band. Lon responds to the news that his girlfriend has been living with another man by turning 8 shades of red and screaming like a woman.

I really can't recommend a show more than I recommend Cheaters, no lie. If society's going to collapse, we might as well enjoy ourselves. God bless you, Tommy Grand. And to a lesser extent, your replacement Joey Greco.

Links:
Cheaters DVD: Buy it on Amazon. Tommy is going to need it for bail money sooner or later.

Cheaters.com: The official website. Report your spouse, buy some merchandise, and browse the "No Cheaters" web dating service. I wish I was kidding.