actually, written by Faded

Within three months these people will be jumping onto your mother's head and whispering sweet nothings in her ear for their commercials, ads, and other business sponsored tactics. All in an effort to make you watch too much television. Let's find out about the past of the stars of the future!

RALPHIE MAY
Ralphie May's short bio: Ralphie May grew up a big ol' country boy. Emphasis on big. Sam Kinison let him open for him on a major tour and young Ralphie learned as much as he could about show business: give pizza delivery men cocaine as a tip and they'll give you free food all night. He's also been in the game for thirteen years so he's heard every fat joke that's ever been made. Don't mess.

Upcoming TV: Last Comic Standing, a comedian reality show.

I selected which comic's picture to use by who had the dumbest headshot. You win, Ralphie. In fact, I am having a hard time thinking of who could possibly compete with you.

The future: After appearing on Jimmy Kimmel's late night show Ralphie started upping his price per gig. If Last Comic Standing does well he could be one of the next big stars.

DAT PHAN
Dat's short bio: Dat started comedy eight years ago and has come a very long way. He's considered one of the few top Asian comedians in Hollywood and spends every night performing. Every night. He also records, critiques and documents each night into his comedy notebook. Every night. Dat's serious comedy (rimshot!)

Upcoming TV: He's stated to appear on the Tonight Show within four months.

The future: Right now it looks good and there are talks of a major tour. Dat could easily be cast in a major part and/or television role. Success is right around the corner, but he's been known to pace back and forth onstage brilliantly complaining about hating all of his material.

DOUG STANHOPE
Short bio: Insane. He got onstage wearing a paper hat and tried to suck his own penis. If this man bombs onstage he starts praying for the death of the audiences children.

Upcoming TV: He's the new host on the Man Show. Yeah, now you know him. You're welcome.

The future: I'm absolutely clueless. Actually, no, wait. I'm the future. I'm coming up. Send me money now. Please?