actually, written by Faded

WARNING:
The following article will have quite a few factual errors, typos and grammatical flaws. It was the author's intent to relive the glory of a mispent summer by writing in the moronic, fratboy style that started it all. Seriously bro! When you read this you're totally going to be like Brenda was last night when she tried giving oral sex to her shoe going all "argghghghg muffle." And then Todd was all "The soapy gerbil has just landed dude!" So if you don't like collegiate alcoholic rambling and you had the nerve to read thefuckingnewsite, suck a nut cuz you've been warned in advance bro! L8....





Just kidding. Since this is retrospective week I thought it'd be a good idea to give a rundown on what the real story was behind my old website: Faded@Movies. The general idea behind it was that I'd get piss drunk and write movie reviews . I figured if enough traffic was generated then I'd get free tickets and start up some press. The inherent beauty of this strange, remarkable idea was that it actually started working. Enjoy a trip down memory lane and learn from my downfall.

October 1904: While writing for SDSU's (that's San Diego State, bitches) campus rag I think up an idea: fratboy goes to the movies. I immediately write a review for Zoolander and save it on my computer.

Late October 1905: Two weeks later I'm in an irc room and ask a friend how to work on html. He says he's starting up a small site and just needs material. Hmmmm. I start writing out two or three more reviews and save them online.

NOV. 2009: Instead of depending on someone else why not just start up a site on Angelfire? Now here's the kicker, for the first two weeks of ANY website those involved think they are going to take over the world with their brilliant wit and insightful commentary. Angelfire will be the birth of a new concept: alcoholic movie reviews. Never been done before has it? Ever. Drinking and gaming: yes. Drinking and fucking: yes. Drinking and movies: untapped market. And I get to use the @ symbol.

We're old, we're drunk, we're here for a role playing convention, but we can still play some wicked air guitar. WEEEEOWWWWW.

So while my three or four regular friends went out together, I holed myself in my room planning, preparing and writing.

DEC. 1805 BC: The Angelfire website is up and running and gets about twenty hits a day. Fifteen are from me. Nobody realized that the whole website was a JOKE; I never really intended to get drunk at the movies it's just that it was a lot funnier to poke fun at film concepts from the guise of the fool. But when people are reading about Samantha getting drunk in the middle of a movie theatre they actually think "here's a guy who doesn't give a fuck". More people go to Angelfire.

Late Dec: Aaron reads the website. The future is changed irreversibly.

Later in Dec: Alan reads the website. The future changes again, like a camel toe divided into three.

Pretty later in Dec: I start to get positive feedback and review at least three movies a week.

Jan or Feb, I forget: My friend works at a movie theatre and gets me free tickets. Jackpot.

March: fadedatmovies.net is launched. Aaron, Alan and I are psyched. They ask when I'm going to get fucked up next ............ errrr.

Spiderman: I'm writing up a paper for school when the doorbell rings. Aaron and Alan had bought me tickets and alcohol. On the way to the theatre I down the drinks and prepare for an endless summer of film and introspection.

Here's some fun facts from that summer:

- We never, ever, were late to a film despite our state of mind. Sober, occasionally we'd be late. But Faded@Movies saw every film from start to finish.

- We were only told to be quiet once, and that was only because of my incoherent rambling in the middle of Minority Report. But as far as theatre security or getting kicked out, not once were we reprimanded or scolded. We would actually test the boundaries of social ettiquite by offering other people shots of Vodka. I did not give a fuck.

- Faded girls of the week got very faded.

- We were recognized a few times. Wow.

- At it's heyday, faded@movies brought in 14 people drunk off their ass to see a showing of Goldmember. Good times?

- I got actual fan mail and e-hate letters.

Here's my advice to anyone that's still with me: Be careful what you're making fun of, you can turn into it. Another semester of school was starting up and I had to admit to myself that this was getting out of hand. Three out of four nights I'd stumble into bed reaking of alcohol and hoping that I could come up with two or three creative phrases about a movie that I didn't remember. So finally, why did I stop the website?

I had to stop it because drinking at movies is stupid. It's good if you're Dave Attell and you're the lone gunman without the responsibility of writing reviews and content. But come on, if I'm going to be famous it's not going to be like Harry Knowles spending 8 hours a day in front of the computer. There comes a point in every young man's life when he has to grow up a bit and start doing what he wants in life: in my case entering the depressing and barren wasteland of show business. I figure that if I could take that website that far in six months, in five years I could make it in standup. So far so good bro.