You saw the billboards: "5: 15," dripping in cyber scribble. The first of two "Matrix" sequels to wash over us this year is upon us currently. "Matrix Reloaded" redefined the bad sequel for me: I didn't much care for the first movie, and yet it was still ruined by this, the worst movie I've paid to see in quite some time. The film finds Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus with an expanded roster of Zionist liberators (Zion being the name given to the real world that the Matrix is trying to suppress and destroy). Agent Smith, the stone-faced force of darkness sent to stop Neo has acquired new abilities to duplicate himself. Trinity and Neo are apparently boffing when they get the chance. So why did I go see this? I was suckered in by the Powerade ads. Stop laughing. Here are some low points in this extremely long two hours.

STFU NOOB MATRIX ROOLZ

-The attire of the zionists: If I were on the run from an omnipresent computer program, I wouldn't draw attention to myself by wearing any of the following: a patent leather body suit; a black gown-type jacket; a body-length jacket that appears to be made of black alligators. Oh, and sunglasses. Good Lord, people! These freedom fighters aren?t going to have enough money to pay for these ridiculous getups! And it?s not just the main three characters either; clan destine meetings reveal that Jada Pinkett's character and all the rest of the gang dress in the height of computer-religion-weirdo fashion. Pricey.

-Horribly convoluted plot that really never makes too much sense: Too much detail on this one would "ruin" the movie for people, but just remember, making zero sense does not make something profound. And the parts that make sense, well, they just suck.

-The sex/dance scene: At this point in the flick, which is fairly early on, I was looking for ways I could use a popcorn bag to kill myself. After Morpheus gives a nutso speech to inspire the Zionic inhabitants, they engage in freakish dancing; all the girls have amazing bodies, most of their clothes are see through, and everyone is grinding each other (and there are some strange-ass shots of dirty feet). Woven in with this, we see Trinity and Neo getting it on to really bad techno. Damnit! Why do people like this movie?!

-The interminable action sequences: Somehow, to so many people I know and like, seeing three Matrix trademark minutes of punches/chops/blocks with no blood is extremely entertaining. Literally, the lynch pin action scene at the center of this movie is Keanu Reeves punching a bunch of identical men in identical suits for a few minutes, then grabbing a pole and swinging that around, then flying off. Or I suppose you could say the lynch pin is a car chase that still gets reduced to punches and chops and blocks with no blood. And that scene felt like it was a good 14 minutes long, literally. Basically, if you've seen one clip of one "Matrix" or "Matrix Reloaded" action sequence, you've seen 'em all.

-The misplaced and over-used slow motion: The stereotype of the hero lunging towards the screen in slow motion as an explosion devours everything behind him or her is not lost on the creators of this movie, and yet somehow it is. At least those cliches serve some type of purpose in other films. In "Matrix Reloaded", you get the feeling it?s just to show off "badass" martial arts moves and special effects. And the problem with this is, not only do you see the moves in slow motion every five seconds, you also see them used on the least badass moves. Do they not realize that sometimes a fight is more entertaining in real time? Do they not realize that?! Do they not?!

-The fact that there?s really only about 5 minutes of plot in the film: This one involves and relies heavily on the last two, as they make the movie SO much longer than it really needs to be. I remembered there being a decently developed plot to the first film, but this one?s like "The machines are coming! Let?s find that guy?want some ice cream? Shit! Here they come again!" with a bunch of horrendous action scenes and slow motion within those action scenes thrown in between. Literally, the movie could be trimmed down by about 50% if the action scenes weren't so long, the slow motion so constant, and, LORDY, the plot developments that go absolutely nowhere ("Yet!" exclaims the Android Dungeon shopper).

"I THINK THIS SCENE NEEDS MORE LEATHER AND AND SUNGLASSES." "ME TOO BROTHER." "HOW DID WE END UP DIRECTING MOVIES AGAIN?" "I'M NOT TOO SURE MYSELF."

-The orgy of poor pacing: Maybe they just wanted to start things off with a bang, but goodness, within seconds of this movie beginning, I was regretting coming in. Do you get the sudden, unexpected jolt of such movie intros as "Touch of Evil" and "Robocop 2"? HELL NO! Sure, it?s unexpected, but only because you can?t believe how poor the direction/editing is on Trinity?s surprise motorcycle party crashin'. I hope I didn?t ruin any surprise for anyone who hasn?t seen this movie yet, but I seriously doubt it?ll be much shock. Throughout the movie, you get jerked around, never being able to settle into a quiet "thoughtful" scene, and never being able to be surprised or shocked by any big explosions that interrupt them. And it?s not an interesting lack of flow. You don?t get "Trainspotting" or "Gummo", but something more along the lines of "Vegas Vacation".

-The Rage song: So, I?m guessing the budget for this movie was somewhere around nine trillion dollars. And while the plot of this movie is basically people "raging against the machines", there?s something profoundly dumb about an outspoken communist band being on the soundtrack to a movie who?s budget could?ve fed have the world for a decade. I know a lot of people who love Rage, and I love those people, but I never did. So I?m a bit biased. But, man, I tells ya, when those poorly launched credits go up while Zach De la Rocha's Mexican angst explodes through the speakers, I literally smacked myself in the face. Didn't Rage break up anyway?

I'm such an ass for writing this.