I think we'd like to pretend that we were always cool. I know I would. That's why I moved to Austin, less of a probability of some blast from the past showing off some photos of me with a shaved head wearing a Rage Against the Machine t-shirt. But when you think about it, you have to acknowledge that you'd probably not even want to be a freshman again. No, I'd rather watch them with terrified looks on their faces wandering around campus. I'd rather see them drinking their body weight and chuckle. The older I get, the more I've disassociated myself with my freshman year.

Until now.

Last year i decided i needed a job. And it turned out that that job ended up being a freshman mentor. That means, thanks to my wealth of experience I have been asked, for an hourly fee, to prevent some bright eyed and bushy tailed promising leaders of tommorow from drinking on the weekdays and studying via osmosis. What this experience has given me (besides a paycheck, suckazz), is the unique opportunity to relive my freshman year. In the month I've spent with these kids, here are some of the universal laws that had escaped me at the time.

You look stupid in that.
It's not really anything you're doing wrong. You're just coming from high school and now you're not getting the once over from your folks every day, so things are out of control. Hey sorority girl with cheerleading shorts and a tank top: your ass looks fat, you look stupid. Hey fat guy with a pony tail: your AMD t-shirt you got at the lan party has a pork grease stain on it, you look stupid. Hey business student who wears a suit to class: you're skipping the time in your life where girls are most likely to date losers, you're blowing it, you look stupid. And for my personal favorite, hey asian who wears basketball gear to class: i know you'll be ready if a pick-up game breaks out in electrical engineering, but you look stupid.

This is you. Yeah, even if you're a dude, this is you.

The opposite sex is a cancer on your ass.
Gentlemen, girls are hot, and right now they are probably the drunkest and most curious they will ever be. But because you're at that age, doing things in moderation doesn't really make sense. The first time you meet a girl at school you get along with and enjoys your company, you're going to fuck it up. You'll bail on your bros, or you'll forget to notice that you're a notch on her belt, or any other numerous list of mistakes. just get ready. Ladies, resist the temptation to pretend that he's not a dirtbag, because he is. If ytou want to get anything done your freshman year, fear anyone you're attracted to.

Skipping class will ruin your life, but that won't stop you.
This will be trial by fire in the universal lesson that just because you can doesn't mean you should. The professor doesn't know your name or face! Sweet! Don't go to class! Skim the book over! Take the test, and fail! Oh shit you need some bailing out! The professor doesn't know your name or face! Whoops.

You can't handle your liquor.
Nope, and your shoes don't appreciate it either.

In every class, there will be one asshole who is sure he knows more than the professor. He/she will be making guest appearances in your life from now on.
It's universal. They read something that they've decided the professor isn't taking into account and they've got to let the world know. All of you are grateful recepients of the sage wisdom they have to impart. If you are this person, may god have mercy on your soul, because if I see you on the street, I won't.

If you're an engineering student, you're dead.
So sorry! Your life is over, see you in 5 years.

When all else fails, relax.
We've established you're going to mess up, and that things aren't gonna go as planned. Now that we know that, don't be afraid to enjoy yourself. Take deep breaths, laugh at your mistakes and leave your room whenever you get a chance. Enjoy!